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I don't have all that much to say; I'm just trying to get back in the habit of updating this. I'm not sure why, since I don't think people really read it and I don't find it personally satisifying. I'm contemplating closing it down, but we'll see. I mean, it's not like my life is super-duper exciting. I like it, and it makes me happy, but I'm not going on adventures or anything.

In other news, I'm going to be an ESE (special ed.) para for the month of September. It should be very interesting, and I'm thankful to have a job in the morning. Come October, though, it will be a different story.

My classes are going well and I'm looking forward to learning more. Today one of my classes will be making pie. I love pie, and I make a good pie, but I haven't perfected pie crust. It always tastes good, but it's not picture-perfect. I anticipate learning some helpful tips.

What's up!

Hey. It's been a while. I know, I know. I've been busy but lazy about this. Here we go!

I start my baking classes next week and I'm excited! This past July I took an artisan breads class, which was awesome. This semester I have two pastry classes, a cake class, and a retail/wholesale class. Needless to say, I am looking forward to learning new skills. I can only hope that I will be able to open a bakery within the next few years.

As ever, my lower back is giving me trouble (just like last year) but I still can't get physical therapy. I got a follow-up MRI which came back clean. Although this sounds great, it also means that I've been under an incorrect assumption for the past year, that I have a bulged disc or two. The EKG I got last year showed that it thought I had a disc issue, but the MRI didn't confirm it.

So then, what's the problem? Well, we aren't sure. The pain management doctor that ordered the recent MRI wants me to see a neurologist and check for auto-immune issues. Unfortunately, the earliest appointment is on October 1st. That feels like forever.

It's frustrating, to say the least. I can only hope that someone will cancel their appointment and I'll get moved up. For now, I have to continue on my merry little way. Luckily for me my pain is never extreme; most days my pain level is a three. However, it is still constant and every day is different. Sometimes the pain is one place, sometimes another. Once I had tingling shooting down my whole left leg. Another time it was tight in one area all day, despite stretching the area.

Still, I am lucky. I can only hope that we'll be able to figure this out quickly once I see the doctor.

Changes in the Plan

This year my sorority, Theta Phi Alpha, is turning 100. I have been looking forward to the Centennial Convention for a while and I even helped with a project for it. This event promises to be huge and I was excited for the seminars, the banquet, and catching up with sisters I haven’t seen since graduation.

I was looking forward to it. Life, however, sometimes gets in the way.

I missed a month of work (when everyone was getting overtime for the events) and another funeral may be in the near future. My grandmother, who had a stroke a few years ago, is doing very poorly. It’s likely that I will have to go to AZ in a few months.

I also want to start my culinary program at the local college in August and visit NH again sometime in the fall.

Although I would love to go to Convention, I can’t afford it and everything else. My family comes first, and the Convention would easily be $1,000. I am disappointed, but not crushed. I would rather be with my family and I know what is best for me.

For Michael; for Me.

Me, terrified...

Last week I got my second tattoo. It's a phrase on my left rib cage: "Valar Dohaeris / Valar Morghulis." It's from George R. R. Martin's series A Game of Thrones, a series I have fallen in love with. The quote means, "All men must serve/ All men must die." Weird quote, right?

Well, I love it. In the series, you first hear "Valar morghulis" when a character, Arya, is starting her new life. Later you learn the meaning. I was struck by the blatant truth of the quote: all men must die. That's it. It doesn't matter what you do with you life, who you are; you will die.

The process begins

Later you learn that the phrase is actually a call-response phrase and is also used as a greeting. One party (generally the more authoritative party) says, "Valar morghulis." The second party (sometimes a more subservient type) responds with, "Valar dohaeris."

One of the first times you hear this is when Arya arrives at her destination. The people who brought her there, a ship captain and his son, have gone out of their way to see her safe and comfortable passage; although she doesn't fully realize it, she has marked herself as a person who will one day be dangerous. (And no, I will not say any more to make this clearer because I don't want to spoil it!) They want her to remember them and remember them in a favorable light. They, who have given her a safe journey when they first denied her due to lack of funds, say the "all men must serve" part; she responds.

This intrigued me on two levels: First, the fact that in this world, people understand that their life may be forfit at any time and that they have some small power to influence others. People there recognize that others have power over their lives and what they do may cause another to harm them, or help them.

Secondly, again the obvious truth was undeniable. We must all die, but before we do we must serve; we must give of ourselves. We cannot just go through life seeking pleasure and only thinking of ourselves. That's no way to live. I agree with this concept completely because it aligns with how I live my life. Sure, I may not be giving all my spare time to a soup kitchen, but I do go out of my way to help others. Admitedly, I'm a people pleaser. More importantly, I want to be nice to most people. I don't know what's going on in their lives, and perhaps my kindness, my service, will make their day a little better.

The finished product!

The other reason I got this tattoo now was for Michael although I have been saving for it for a few months and was planning on it regardless. It just happened that Michael's death and my phrase go together. He lived a life of service, love, and compassion that was recognized by all who knew him. In the end, as one friend of his said, "God needed a godly man in Heaven." Despite the fact the Michael had a terrible disease that took him from us much to soon, Michael remained the loving, caring man he had always been. He made sure that those important to him knew he loved them.

Even though Michael is gone, he will forever be with me. At some point, hopefully within a year, I'm going to add a luna moth of the design which will be for Michael (that's a story for another post).

Needs to be said

Warning: This post is pretty raw and pretty disjointed. I just need to write.

This past week has been very hard for me and my family. Last Friday I lost my second father, Michael Mello. The Gill and Mello families grew up side-by-side. We were always doing things together, from beach days to birthdays to just hanging out late on school nights. When my parents went out of town during the school year, we would spend the nights at the Mellos so we could still go to school.

In 2010 Michael was diagnosed with ALS, Lou Gehrig’s disease. ALS is a “progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord” (http://www.alsa.org/). It affects everyone differently, but the end result is always the same. Unlike some diseases, ALS leaves the mind intact while it destroys the rest of the body.

Watching Michael deteriorate was hard on all of us, but especially his wife. Michael and Vickie adored each other and their love was palpable. I saw Michael only periodically, since I live in Florida. This made every time I saw him more difficult because he changed so much during our times apart.

It’s so hard to believe that he won’t be here anymore. It makes me so glad that I had 24 years with him. It makes me grateful that my sister asked him to walk her halfway down the aisle to my father at her wedding. It makes me even more appreciative that my father is still around to be a part of my life.

So right now I’m home for the next few weeks to help my family and theirs. It’s just been so hard. So emotionally draining. It will be a while before a new normal is formed.

Pixie Bakes

Oh, little blog. How I do ignore thee.

It’s not that I don’t like you.

It’s not that I don’t know what to say.

It’s not that I don’t have time to post.

It’s not you. It’s me.

Seriously, though. It’s me. I’m not just saying that. This start-a-project-then-ignore-it-after-the-initial-fun-wears-off tendency comes from my mother, who has ADHD. I start a project, get into it, and then lose interest unless there is always something new being brought to the table. For instance, I scrapbooked like crazy for a few months, ran out of pictures, and stopped for a while until I finally printed out more.

Baking and photography hold my interest because there is always something new to try: a new recipe, a new technique, a new subject. I don’t usually like how my photos of food turn out, though, so that gives me something more to try.

Off to a different topic, because I want to get to the real reason I’m posting.

After many years of making excuses, I have decided to pursue baking as a career and not just a hobby. Although I will always love aviation and flight and I hope to fly again one day, I have not been able to get a job in the field. I’ve been making due with Ruby Tuesday work and substitute teaching, and even pursued teaching science for a while, but I finally sat down and thought about what I wanted to do and realized that baking had always been my passion and that I should be more serious about it.

Some of you will say, “Finally! It took you long enough.” You may laugh like my mother, who reminded me that she always thought I should be a baker. It’s not like this was some major epiphany. I’ve been baking for years: I was the designated cake-baker for Gill-Mello birthdays from the age of 12 or so (and they were slightly altered box mixes!). I started our tradition of baking dozens and dozens of cookies at Christmas several years ago. I always hear, and have always heard, “These are delicious! When are you going to open a bakery?”whenever I bring food into work. My father gave me a Joy of Cooking book when I went to college; one boss gave me Bite-Size Desserts by Carole Bloom to inspire me.

Despite all that, I never really thought of baking professionally; it was always some dream for the future, something to think about later in life. I had just earned my Bachelor of Science in Aeronautics from a prestigious school, for goodness sake! I was going places!

I didn’t, though. I’ve been stuck in limbo. At first I was excited to teach, but always had a doubt at the back of my mind. I don’t like working with certain students: the unmotivated ones. The ones who don’t care about school or their life or anything but that day. The ones who really need help. And, dare I say it? The stupid ones. I was afraid to pursue teaching because what if I got stuck with those kids and it killed my motivation? What then?

So, I floundered. Then I finally took a co-worker up on the opportunity to bake for his wedding. I realized that this could be a chance to take a hobby that I love and do something bigger with it. I’ve already started the process at my local college to join their baking and pastry culinary class; Ruby Tuesday may also help pay for it. I also made business cards to hand out to friends. My goal is to create some word of mouth business, just locally, between people who are willing to support a new business instead of getting a grocery-store cake.

My bakery will be called Pixie Bakes. It seemed appropriate. I have all sorts of ideas of what I want it to become, but I’m starting small. Realistic. Once I get things going I want to go to local restaurants and see if they will sell my items for their desserts. Search for Pixie Bakes on FaceBook and you can ‘like’my page and see what I’m up to!

I’m excited for this new adventure and I hope I stay motivated to see it through.

Happy New Year..?

A funny thing happened a week ago. By funny, I mean irritating and then kind of scary. Last Wednesday I felt like there was something caught in my throat. The problem was I had just woken up. I hadn’t even eaten anything yet. How could something be caught if I had swallowed anything other than saliva in the past 8 hours? I went on with my day, trying to make the weird feeling go away. I noticed my chest was a little tight at times, so I didn’t do anything strenuous.

Thursday came. Although the phantom blockage wasn’t really there, my chest was a little tighter at times. Breathing sometimes caused unnecessary pressure in my upper chest, near the base of my throat. Roy suspected bronchitis. Lydia thought it could be heartburn or something of the sort, which runs in the family. I went on with my day, and then it was lunch time. I took a couple of bites of my food and had to stop. My chest had tightened suddenly, like it was twisting inside. I gave it a minute, thinking that penne with meat sauce was not the best thing to have if I had heartburn. However, I was subbing and had no food alternatives. I finished my meal. Later I called my mother and she said it sounded like esophageal spasms. I tried taking Tums, but they did nothing.

Finally it was Friday. Breathing had become a little harder, as had eating. However, I was tough! I wasn’t going to let this get me! I went to my sub job and pushed through. Lunch came; again, I couldn’t eat. The twisting pressure in my chest was bad enough that I didn’t try to finish my sandwich. I had yogurt, though, and that went down easily. I was worried enough to try to find a doctor, thinking perhaps I had the virus going around the school. It was late notice and a Friday; no appointment could be made. I was worried. What was wrong? Why couldn’t I eat? If it was heartburn, shouldn’t it be gone by now?

I went to an urgent care clinic and told the doctor my symptoms and what my family had said. The doctor asked me what medicines I was on and when I mentioned doxycycline, for acne, she knew what was wrong.

Apparently the doctor has a friend who recently had the same problem. A fungal infection had developed. Apparently this medicine is both caustic and breaks down easily. The ‘breaks down easily’ part is not good if, say, it gets a little stuck on the way down. That may have been what happened with me.

The doctor prescribed my prevacid to take care of the caustic part and an anti-fungal liquid medicine for the infection. It’s been almost a week and I am feeling much, much better. I spent the first few days eating only soft or liquid foods. By Monday I could eat solid foods again, although I had to be careful. Since then I’ve gotten better and only have random times when it hurts to swallow.

Let’s hope that the rest of the new year goes well…

Leg/Lower Back Update

So, my leg, well really, the bulged disk in my lower back, is doing a lot better. Although I still feel pain in my right thigh quite often, it isn't 24/7 like it was. Sometimes I have the better part of a day without it hurting. Even then, it's only a dull ache. My lower back doesn't usually hurt either, which is great. This is a huge improvement, given that at one point is was gulping down pain killers just to get through the day.

Since I've been doing so well, I started doing leg exercises and more cardio: bike riding, walking, squats, leg extensions, and another exercise on a machine that I can't remember.

Yesterday I went for a walk and tried something that I haven't done in a bout a year: Jogging. It wasn't for long- just a few minutes followed up by walking and then for a few more minutes. I'd say that a little more than half of my 20 minute excursion was jogging. Although it isn't much, I was in no rush to hurt myself all over and put myself back into PT. Besides, I haven't done that in over a year. It was nice to push myself a little.

Today I'll take it easy. Maybe just go for a walk. The weather has been beautiful lately. If I can't have cold weather, I can at least appreciate the fact that it isn't wicked hot out and there is no humidity.

Happy Monday!