PT Update

I have done my first two days of physical therapy. So far it has gone well. My thigh feels a lot better. Other things are kind of sore, but they say that that is good. Yesterday they rotated my pelvis on the left side; that hurt this morning. For the past two sessions they have used ultrasound waves on the SI and pubis. Remember how I said they were poking my pubis on Friday and it hurt a lot? Well, that area was super sore through the weekend. Now it is better! I’m not sure if it is aligned now, but I think they will give it a few days before testing the symmetry, to let inflammation go down.

Although I was told not to do lunges and squats, I can walk and ride my bike. Tony also told me to jog before next Monday and see how that goes.

On the whole, PT has gone well and I am looking forward to more progress!

Please don't amputate!

Remember how a month ago I posted about my right thigh being sore? I described how I hurt myself last year and apparently re-injured myself. Well, I finally decided to go to a physical therapist. I figured a few weeks’ worth of myofascial release and I’d be good as new. That was the plan, anyway. I went to a local PT and told him, Tony, what happened last year. He did movement with my legs and showed me how much tighter my right thigh/hip is than the left. He did a serious of poking, prodding, and feeling, which resulted in me learning that the area of my right thigh is a lot sorer than I though. (It’s also larger, perhaps from swelling.) Basically I was lying on my side while he put pressure on various spots of my outer leg, starting at the hip, moving down to my knee, then back up. It hurt. He did this on the left side, using more pressure, but it hurt a lot less. Tony was talking to an intern, Becky, all the while, so she was also poking me. At one point they had me lie on my back and were putting pressure on my sacroiliac joint (SI)- basically my lower back. The pressure applied on my right side hurt enough to almost bring tears. The pressure on my left side was not a problem. (Then they proceeded to go back and forth feeling these two areas; not at all pleasant.) Apparently they were feeling a ‘string’ on the right side which wasn’t present on the left. Here’s a picture of what they were poking at.

Tony had Becky and I go to a back room so that she could measure my legs and do a few other things that I guess Tony wasn’t 100% comfortable doing (ok with me). We determined that my left leg is about 1 cm longer than my right. This doesn’t really matter, since it’s such a small difference. Becky then moved on to poke around the hip/groin area. Tony had instructed her to feel the pubis bone and see if it was level. The pubis is the joint in the front of the pelvis where the two halves of the pelvis join. As you can see in the picture below, the joint has two small protrusions. If they aren’t even then it can cause pain.

So, Becky starts applying pressure. The right side felt fine, but the pressure applied to the left side brought tears to my eyes. I don’t know why it hurt so badly, but it did. I asked if that was bad, and she said it wasn’t what she was expecting. Remember, it’s my RIGHT side that is causing discomfort. Of course, she keeps applying pressure, then Tony did after, so today that area is sore like I have a bad bruise. We go back to the main area and Tony instructs me to lie on my back. He puts my right foot on his shoulder and tells me to push hard against him. Then he tells me to relax and basically knees me in the butt. I responded with an, “Oh!” and he said, “Did you feel a pop?” “No, you surprised me!” I said. So we do this once or twice again and then I flip to my stomach. He raises my leg and bends it at the knee, saying to push down on his hand. Then I relax, and he knees me again. I’m not sure why we did this, but it was kind of funny. So, what was accomplished? They think something in my SI has slipped, causing the pain. I have no idea what I did to myself. As for the pubis thing, again, no idea why it hurt so much when the applied pressure. I will be going back three times a week for PT for the next month. They mentioned an ultrasound in passing, so I’m not sure what the plan is. Hopefully I will be fixed!

Clouds on a Sunny Day

I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging lately. Truthfully, I have been sort of avoiding it. I haven’t been motivated enough to even copy and paste some stuff I have written and am saving, because I have wanted to get something off my chest. Well, here we go.

I went to the wake and funeral of a four-year-old boy recently. It was devastating and traumatic. No one should have to bury their baby. My heart aches for the family, but especially for the parents. They have gone almost a month and are taking each day as they can. This next year will be hard for them and full of firsts: Already the boy’s birthday has gone by, and I can only imagine it was a very sad day.

This loss has affected me in a way I didn’t expect. The trauma and sadness has altered my brain’s chemical balance. I have a history of clinical depression and was on medication for five years or so. In 2005 I went off meds in order to fly. I have done well since then. In fact, for the past few years I have been quite joyful and happy the majority of the time. It was wonderful. Even unhappiness was quickly resolved.

Since the funeral I have not been the same. I have been more stressed and moody, growing sad or agitated over little things. There are other times that I am content enough and times when I am happy, but the underlying joy, which has been present for so long, is missing.

For a week I was almost back to my old self, but then I started a two-week sub job which chaotic at first and it pushed me backward.

I believe that what I am feeling now is what everyone else feels most days. Sure, I’m not depressed in the way that most people are depressed, but I am not the same. I could be content and get along with life, but truthfully, I’m sick of it. I want my joy back.

I want to sing and smile for no reason other than I’m alive. I want to brush off the trivial things. I want to contemplate my circular thoughts, going over little details and getting no conclusion.

I used to be so happy for no reason. It was a great way to live. I’m sick of being in the state of mind I’m in.

I’ve started to take a pill that has 5-HTP and other serotonin-altering ingredients. Serotonin levels are what monitors happiness. If it doesn’t work then I will look into Wellbutrin, the anti-depressant I was on.

Going back on medication raises another problem: Flying. I had to have all my doctors write letters to the FAA and I was on probation for a year to prove that I did not need medication. Going back on medication is not going to help anything, and I might not be able to fly again. Sure, I’ll have to look more into it to be sure, but I don’t think the prospects look good.

This isn’t as devastating as it could have been. I no longer dream of being a professional pilot; I’ve moved on. However, I did want to take up flying again as a hobby. I’ll have to go through the petitioning again, which I will definitely do, but it is a nuisance.

In the mean time, I’m taking the supplement. If it doesn’t work, I’ll get a prescription.

I’ve also decided to start acting as if I were joyful, the way I should be acting. Perhaps a change of attitude will help. The only problem is apathy. Sometimes, you just don’t care and can’t see a good reason to do something, or you do see the reason and want to do it but you lack the motivation.

Well, enough is enough. I can’t stand the echo of ‘me’ and I’m doing something about it. Starting today, no more excuses! I will make myself happy and change my life.