I’m sorry I haven’t been blogging lately. Truthfully, I have been sort of avoiding it. I haven’t been motivated enough to even copy and paste some stuff I have written and am saving, because I have wanted to get something off my chest. Well, here we go.
I went to the wake and funeral of a four-year-old boy recently. It was devastating and traumatic. No one should have to bury their baby. My heart aches for the family, but especially for the parents. They have gone almost a month and are taking each day as they can. This next year will be hard for them and full of firsts: Already the boy’s birthday has gone by, and I can only imagine it was a very sad day.
This loss has affected me in a way I didn’t expect. The trauma and sadness has altered my brain’s chemical balance. I have a history of clinical depression and was on medication for five years or so. In 2005 I went off meds in order to fly. I have done well since then. In fact, for the past few years I have been quite joyful and happy the majority of the time. It was wonderful. Even unhappiness was quickly resolved.
Since the funeral I have not been the same. I have been more stressed and moody, growing sad or agitated over little things. There are other times that I am content enough and times when I am happy, but the underlying joy, which has been present for so long, is missing.
For a week I was almost back to my old self, but then I started a two-week sub job which chaotic at first and it pushed me backward.
I believe that what I am feeling now is what everyone else feels most days. Sure, I’m not depressed in the way that most people are depressed, but I am not the same. I could be content and get along with life, but truthfully, I’m sick of it. I want my joy back.
I want to sing and smile for no reason other than I’m alive. I want to brush off the trivial things. I want to contemplate my circular thoughts, going over little details and getting no conclusion.
I used to be so happy for no reason. It was a great way to live. I’m sick of being in the state of mind I’m in.
I’ve started to take a pill that has 5-HTP and other serotonin-altering ingredients. Serotonin levels are what monitors happiness. If it doesn’t work then I will look into Wellbutrin, the anti-depressant I was on.
Going back on medication raises another problem: Flying. I had to have all my doctors write letters to the FAA and I was on probation for a year to prove that I did not need medication. Going back on medication is not going to help anything, and I might not be able to fly again. Sure, I’ll have to look more into it to be sure, but I don’t think the prospects look good.
This isn’t as devastating as it could have been. I no longer dream of being a professional pilot; I’ve moved on. However, I did want to take up flying again as a hobby. I’ll have to go through the petitioning again, which I will definitely do, but it is a nuisance.
In the mean time, I’m taking the supplement. If it doesn’t work, I’ll get a prescription.
I’ve also decided to start acting as if I were joyful, the way I should be acting. Perhaps a change of attitude will help. The only problem is apathy. Sometimes, you just don’t care and can’t see a good reason to do something, or you do see the reason and want to do it but you lack the motivation.
Well, enough is enough. I can’t stand the echo of ‘me’ and I’m doing something about it. Starting today, no more excuses! I will make myself happy and change my life.
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